How to be alone.
What to do if you're trapped in a Hopper painting, grocery store couple envy, and cooking for one.
Friday, 4:26pm
It’s been a long day at work, and I’m ready to go home. I’ve been trapped inside a too-cold room with fluorescent lights for too long. I’m alone in the office other than my supervisor. I hate the office when it’s quiet, it feels too eery and liminal. I don’t have Friday night plans, I text a friend to see if they want to meet up but they’re busy. I recently ended a budding relationship, which, despite the fact I knew it wasn’t going to work for me, I’m regretting now. I miss having someone to text and give me attention. I make plans to go to the pet store and grab some fresh tomatoes from my favorite small grocer to help occupy the time. Maybe I’ll go to the gym later and people-watch while I listen to my audiobook, maybe I’ll go to the wine bar anyways by myself, maybe I’ll finally talk to my cute neighbor who I keep making awkward eye contact with in the parking lot. Maybe I won’t do any of that, even though my stomach clenches at the thought of the creeping loneliness I’ll feel late at night alone in my apartment. But that’s okay, maybe I’ll take a bath and drink some hot tea and go to bed early and cuddle with my cat. Maybe I’ll grab lunch with my dad and sister tomorrow. Maybe I’ll miss the solitude after I get back from my trip. One thing I know for certain is that this feeling won’t last.
That evening, I eat sliced tomatoes on sourdough toast spread with sesame mayo, and things feel okay.
For me, loneliness becomes most potent in some of the most mundane settings. Lately, it’s been hitting me in the grocery store, as I walk around shopping I like to people-watch. And every time, I can’t help but bitterly notice all of the grocery store couples. For them, it’s a day like any other, maybe even a bit worse if the grocery store is crowded or if they fought on the car ride over. But to me, it’s a profound reminder of my own solitude. Why am I getting teary-eyed in the canned goods aisle because I don’t have someone to argue with about the brand of oat milk we should get? The human psyche is truly a mysterious thing.
Sometimes, the weight of the loneliness feels so heavy that it saps the effectiveness of any tactics I employ to combat it, and I feel paralyzed. In my heart, I know this feeling comes regardless of how surrounded by community I am, but in the moment, little things like wanting to open a bottle of wine but not wanting to drink it by yourself, or wanting to go to some social event but not have to sit alone, stir up feelings that become unbearably oppressive. As much as I find power in my ability to care for myself, I don’t want to always have to care for myself. While I was staying with my friends in California and their roommates, I was struck by the novelty of their casual interactions throughout the day. There are many things I don’t miss about housemates, but I do miss that proximity to others you get.
One of my favorite books I read at the start of the pandemic, The Lonely City by Olivia Laing, explores the concept of isolation through art. I was introduced to the works of Edward Hopper through her book, an artist known for his achingly intimate—and often lonely—depictions of 20th-century life. His painting Nighthawks is the most well-known and for good reason. The electric colors catch your eye immediately as they settle upon a rather quiet and unremarkable scene. Laing writes, “No one is talking. No one is looking at anyone else. Is the diner a refuge for the isolated, a place of succour, or does it serve to illustrate the disconnection that proliferates in cities?”. Hopper’s paintings depict and evoke uncomfortable feelings of foreign spaces, feelings of otherness, and separation. But he depicts these feelings so well and beautifully through color that you cannot help but stop and stare. You get a sense he had a deep understanding of what it feels to be othered.
Glass is a persistent symbol of loneliness, and for good reason. Almost as soon as I arrived in the city, I had the sense that I was trapped behind glass. I couldn’t reach out or make contact, and at the same time I felt dangerously exposed, vulnerable to judgment, particularly in situations where being alone felt awkward or wrong, where I was surrounded by couples or groups.
-Olivia Laing
One thing I have heard is that people often feel discouraged from cooking for themselves when they live alone. This is something I obviously cannot relate to—I have the opposite problem—but it inspired the idea of creating a little menu for the solo dining experience. I collected these recipes keeping in mind the ease of preparation, cleanup, and how well they keep as leftovers in order to maximize consideration for the solo diner. They can obviously be shared as well, but if you’re not typically inclined to cook for yourself I encourage you to try it out.
Coconut Red Lentil Dal by Zena’s Kitchen
Zena’s Kitchen has a fabulous archive of recipes, and all of the ones I’ve tried have been delicious thus far. This coconut red lentil dal is almost a one-pot recipe (if you don’t count the rice), which is ideal for solo household cleanup. Plus, it tastes even better when you reheat it for the next day. My one critique of this recipe is that it’s seriously in need of salt, so be sure to generously season your aromatics with salt & pep as they soften, and do the same as you toast and bloom the spices. I also prefer to squeeze a healthy amount of lemon over the final product.
Rose Melon Granita
Before you melon-haters out there completely disparage me, pause a minute and hear me out. I’m no huge fan of melons generally, watermelon is acceptable to me but I usually find honeydew or cantaloupe underwhelming. However, melons do have two big things going for them: they are incredibly refreshing and they freeze very well. Earlier this summer I was inspired to try and make a honeydew mojito mocktail, and I ended up only being able to find a goldendew melon at Walmart (presumably some sort of honeydew variant). I had lots left over, so I froze it and blended it with a few choice ingredients to create this refreshing granita. This is a great dessert to prep for one, it’s not too complicated, it keeps well in the freezer, and you can easily elevate it with fun ingredients. If you don’t have rose water on hand feel free to skip it, but I wanted to add a bit more complexity to the flavor of the granita.
Ingredients:
One honeydew melon, cubed and frozen.
Maple syrup
Citrus juice (I used yuzu with the goldendew)
Kosher salt
Rose water (optional)
Spice topping (sumac, tajín, chili powder, salt, or sugared citrus zest*, etc.)
Place frozen melon cubes into a blender or food processor with about 3 tbsp of citrus juice, 2 tablespoons of maple syrup, 2 tbsp of rose water, and a pinch of salt. Blend the mixture until smooth, taste, and adjust the flavors to taste. This will largely depend on your personal preference and the kind/quality of melon you are using.
Pour the melon puree into a shallow pan and spread evenly (metal baking sheets tend to work the best). Freeze the mixture until it starts solidifying around the edges and top (30-45 minutes), then take the pan out and the mixture with a fork so it flakes and fluffs up. Return to the freezer.
Repeat fork, fluff, and freeze process every 30 minutes for 4 hours, or until the mixture becomes dry and flaky, like a snowcone. This process creates the icy texture granita is known for.
Serve in a small bowl garnished with your spice or seasoning of choice, or use it to top off your yogurt. I topped mine with mango passionfruit preserves and sumac. Store in a covered bowl in your freezer, this keeps pretty well though can get solid if you leave it alone for long enough.
*You can make this by combining roughly equal parts citrus zest and sugar and a small pinch of red pepper flakes. Combine a tablespoon of zest and sugar in a bowl with the red pepper flakes and muddle them together with a spoon until the citrus zest is well coated by the sugar.
*If you forgot your granita and let it freeze a bit too long, just let it thaw on the counter for a bit until it’s soft enough to fork again, then pop it back in the freezer and resume the fork fluffing process.